Most couples negotiate kink by guessing. A BDSM checklist replaces the guessing with a written list you each answer on your own, then compare side by side. This guide gives you the complete checklist — around 90 activities in yes/no/maybe form — plus how to fill it in, how to read the mismatches honestly, and how to turn the results into a scene you both actually want.
In this guide
- What is a BDSM checklist?
- How is a yes no maybe list different?
- The complete checklist
- How do you fill it out?
- What if your yes is their no?
- Hard limits and soft limits
- Turning the checklist into a scene
- Is a BDSM contract the same thing?
- How often should you redo it?
- Consent, safewords, and safety
- FAQ
What is a BDSM checklist?
A BDSM checklist is a written inventory of activities that you and a partner each rate privately, then compare. It exists so that consent is specific rather than general. "I'm into kink" tells a partner almost nothing. "Yes to wrist restraints, maybe to a blindfold, no to marks that last" tells them exactly where to start.
The tool is old and unglamorous, and that is the point. Written answers survive nerves, arousal, and the urge to please someone. They also give a shy partner a way to say no without saying it out loud in the moment.
How is a yes no maybe list different from a checklist?
They are the same tool under two names. A yes no maybe list is the format — three columns, one row per activity — and a BDSM checklist is what people call it once the rows cover bondage, impact play, and power exchange.
The three-column format does one thing a simple "what are you into?" conversation cannot. It creates a maybe column. Most of the interesting conversation lives there: the activity someone is curious about, but only under conditions they have not worked out yet.
The complete checklist: fill this in together
Copy this into a document, print it twice, or work down it on two phones. Mark each row Y (yes, I want this), N (no, not for me), or M (maybe, under the right conditions). Use the notes column for the conditions — that column matters more than the letters.
Structure and setting
| Activity | You | Partner | Notes / conditions |
|---|---|---|---|
| Scene planned in advance | |||
| Spontaneous, unplanned play | |||
| Play only while completely sober | |||
| Play at home only | |||
| Play away from home (hotel, travel) | |||
| Photos or video, kept private | |||
| Other people present | |||
| Agreed end time for the scene |
Restraint and bondage
| Activity | You | Partner | Notes / conditions |
|---|---|---|---|
| Wrist cuffs | |||
| Ankle cuffs | |||
| Under-bed restraint system | |||
| Rope on wrists or ankles | |||
| Rope across chest or torso | |||
| Being restrained standing up | |||
| Metal handcuffs | |||
| Bondage tape | |||
| Spreader bar | |||
| Blindfold | |||
| Hood or mask | |||
| Ball gag | |||
| Cloth or other soft gag | |||
| Collar worn during play | |||
| Collar worn outside play | |||
| Leash attached to a collar | |||
| Being moved or carried while restrained |
Sensation and impact play
| Activity | You | Partner | Notes / conditions |
|---|---|---|---|
| Spanking with a hand | |||
| Paddle | |||
| Flogger | |||
| Cane or riding crop | |||
| Slapping (body) | |||
| Slapping (face) | |||
| Hair pulling | |||
| Scratching | |||
| Biting | |||
| Pinching | |||
| Nipple clamps | |||
| Clothespins or pegs | |||
| Ice or cold sensation | |||
| Warm massage oil | |||
| Low-temperature wax play | |||
| Feather, fur, or soft textures | |||
| Pinwheel (Wartenberg wheel) | |||
| Electro-stimulation | |||
| Marks that fade within hours | |||
| Marks that last for days | |||
| Marks anywhere clothing would not cover |
Roles and power exchange
| Activity | You | Partner | Notes / conditions |
|---|---|---|---|
| Taking the dominant role | |||
| Taking the submissive role | |||
| Switching between roles | |||
| Following instructions during a scene | |||
| Following agreed rules outside a scene | |||
| Kneeling or held postures | |||
| Service tasks (chores, serving drinks) | |||
| Honorifics (Sir, Ma'am, or another title) | |||
| Protocol at home | |||
| Subtle protocol in public | |||
| An ongoing, round-the-clock dynamic | |||
| Agreed discipline or punishment | |||
| Rewards | |||
| Being praised out loud | |||
| Being teased | |||
| Pre-agreed degrading words | |||
| Humiliation, private | |||
| Humiliation in front of others |
Sensory, psychological, and fantasy play
| Activity | You | Partner | Notes / conditions |
|---|---|---|---|
| Sight removed (blindfold, dark room) | |||
| Sound removed (headphones, earplugs) | |||
| Teasing and edging | |||
| Orgasm denial | |||
| Overstimulation past one orgasm | |||
| Chastity device | |||
| Scripted roleplay | |||
| Pet play | |||
| Primal play (chasing, wrestling) | |||
| Startle or fear play | |||
| Predicament play (choose your own discomfort) | |||
| Pre-negotiated resistance play |
Toys and sexual acts inside a scene
| Activity | You | Partner | Notes / conditions |
|---|---|---|---|
| External vibrator during a scene | |||
| Internal toys during a scene | |||
| Anal play with hands | |||
| Anal toys | |||
| Oral sex, giving | |||
| Oral sex, receiving | |||
| Penetrative sex as part of a scene | |||
| Hands only, no penetration | |||
| Massage as a warm-up | |||
| Sharing toys (cleaned or with barriers) |
Aftercare
| Activity | You | Partner | Notes / conditions |
|---|---|---|---|
| Physical closeness straight afterwards | |||
| Blanket, water, and quiet | |||
| A few minutes alone first | |||
| Talking the scene through the same night | |||
| Talking it through the next day instead | |||
| A check-in message the next day | |||
| Food or something sweet | |||
| A shower or bath together | |||
| Skin care for any marks |
How do you fill out a BDSM checklist?
Fill it in alone, at a neutral time, with clothes on. Sex educator Charlie Glickman, PhD, puts the rule bluntly in his guide to these lists: "Don't do this as foreplay." Arousal makes people agree to things their calm selves would decline, and that is the opposite of what the exercise is for.
A workable sequence takes about an hour, split over two sittings.
- Each of you completes every row on your own. Do not read each other's answers yet.
- Swap lists and read in silence. No reactions, no negotiating.
- Take a break — an hour, or overnight. Feelings usually arrive late.
- Compare and talk. Start with the rows you both marked yes.
- Write down the three things you will actually try first.
Skipping the break is the most common mistake. Reading a partner's list can sting, and the sting fades faster than the conversation you would have had while it was fresh.
What do you do when your yes is their no?
Nothing. A no on a checklist ends that item, and the partner who wrote it owes no explanation. Trying to talk someone up from a no is the single fastest way to make them stop being honest on the next list.
What you can do is look for the want underneath the activity. Someone may say no to face slapping but yes to hair pulling, because the appeal was intensity rather than that specific act. Someone may say no to public protocol but yes to a rule that only applies at home.
Ask about the category, not the row: what part of this appeals to you? Frequently the answer points to a different activity you both already marked maybe. Where a genuine mismatch remains, name it honestly and leave it alone. Long-term partners usually have two or three of these, and it is normal.
Hard limits and soft limits: what is the difference?
A hard limit is a permanent no. It does not get revisited, negotiated, or tested in the moment. A soft limit is a maybe with conditions — an activity someone will consider under specific circumstances, or in a smaller dose than the full version.
Soft limits are where the notes column earns its keep. "Maybe" alone is not usable information. "Maybe, if we start with two minutes and I hold the release" is a plan.
Write both kinds down somewhere you will both see them again. Hard limits especially should live in plain text, not in one person's memory of a conversation from four months ago.
How do you turn the checklist into a scene?
Pick two activities you both marked yes and one you both marked maybe, then plan a short scene around them — twenty to thirty minutes is plenty for a first attempt. Short scenes fail small. A long one built on four untested activities gives you no way to tell which part went wrong.
Before you start, agree on four things: what will happen, roughly how long it will run, how you will signal, and what aftercare follows.
For signals, the traffic-light system is the standard: green means keep going, yellow means ease off or check in, red means stop everything now. If speech is restricted for any reason, use a physical signal instead — in our guides the house rule is a firm double tap on your partner or the bed, which means stop. Agree on it out loud before anything begins, and test it once at the start so the movement is familiar.
Afterwards, do the aftercare you each listed. Then compare notes the next day: what to repeat, what to adjust, what moves from maybe to yes — or from maybe to no. That last direction is a successful outcome, not a failed scene.
Is a BDSM contract the same thing?
No. A BDSM contract is a longer written agreement covering an ongoing dynamic: roles, rules, expectations, check-in schedules, and how either person ends the arrangement. A checklist covers activities. Many couples build the contract from the checklist once they have played together for a while.
A BDSM contract carries no legal force anywhere in Canada, and no document can consent on a person's behalf during a scene. Its value is clarity — it makes both people write down what they think they already agreed to, which is where most quiet mismatches surface. Keep any such agreement short, dated, and easy to revise.
How often should you redo the checklist?
Once a year is a reasonable default, and sooner after anything that changes the picture: a new partner, a relationship shift, a pregnancy, an injury, a scene that landed badly. Interests move in both directions, and a list from two years ago quietly stops describing either of you.
Keep the old copies. Watching a row travel from no to maybe to yes over three years is genuinely useful information about how you each warm to things.
Consent, safewords, and safety basics
A completed checklist is a starting point, not a standing permission slip. Consent has to stay live during the activity itself. Planned Parenthood Toronto describes consent as "mutual", "continuous — negotiated throughout as an ongoing process", and "stoppable — anyone can change their mind at any time". A checklist supports all three; it replaces none of them.
Three practical rules follow from that. Check in during longer scenes, not only at the end. Treat a hesitation as a yellow. And never restrict anyone's breathing or leave a restrained partner alone in a room, whatever the checklist says — both are outside what a beginner negotiation can make safe.
If the exercise makes your interests feel strange, the numbers are reassuring. The Sexual Medicine Society of North America, summarising research on 1,516 adults across 55 sexual fantasies, notes that 39 of those 55 were reported by more than half of participants. Power-related fantasies sit among the most common themes. Most of what people mark "maybe" is not unusual at all.
FAQ
What is a BDSM checklist?
It is a written list of activities that each partner marks yes, no, or maybe, then compares with the other. It turns a vague conversation about kink into specific, documented consent — including a clear record of hard limits that both people can look at again later.
What is a yes no maybe list?
It is the same tool, named for its three columns. Each activity gets a yes (wanted), no (refused), or maybe (open under conditions). The maybe column is the useful part, because it captures curiosity that a straight yes-or-no question would flatten into a no.
Should we fill out the checklist together or separately?
Separately, then compare. Filling it in side by side invites people to soften answers in real time to please a partner. Complete your own copy alone, swap, take a break of at least an hour, and only then talk it through together.
How long does a BDSM checklist take?
Roughly twenty minutes each to complete, and thirty to forty-five minutes to discuss. Split it across two sittings rather than one. Most couples find the discussion runs longer than expected because the notes column raises questions the rows themselves do not.
What is the difference between a hard limit and a soft limit?
A hard limit is a permanent no that is never revisited or tested. A soft limit is a conditional maybe — acceptable in a smaller dose, in a specific setting, or with a particular safeguard in place. Write the conditions down; "maybe" on its own is not usable.
Is a BDSM contract legally binding?
No. A BDSM contract has no legal force in Canada and cannot transfer consent in advance. It is a clarity document for an ongoing dynamic — roles, rules, check-ins, and how either person ends it. Consent still has to be live and revocable during every scene.
What if my partner says no to something I want?
Accept it without negotiation. Ask instead what appeals to you about it, then look for an overlapping activity you both marked maybe. Pressuring someone past a written no destroys the honesty that makes the checklist work, and it ends any useful version of this conversation.
How often should we redo our checklist?
About once a year, and sooner after a new partner, an injury, or a scene that went badly. Keep old versions rather than overwriting them. Seeing how answers shift over time tells you more about each other than any single completed list does.
Do we still need a safeword if we have a checklist?
Yes. The checklist agrees what may happen; the safeword stops it once it is happening. Use green, yellow, and red, and agree a physical signal — a firm double tap means stop — for any scene where speech might be difficult.
Do we have to be in a BDSM relationship to use one?
Not at all. Plenty of couples use a yes no maybe list purely to talk about ordinary sex, positions, toys, and boundaries. Ignore the rows that do not apply to you. The format works for any two people who want specifics instead of assumptions.
Shop the full collection: Restraints and beginner bondage at Red Pleasures — the Ottawa-based team packs every order for discreet shipping across Canada and the USA.
Related reading: BDSM toys and types of play explains the categories behind these checklist rows. Bondage for beginners covers what to buy first and in what order. Pain play for beginners goes deeper on intensity and negotiation, and our nipple clamps guide covers time limits and removal for one of the rows above.